I’m struggeling sooo bad with depression these days. It’s simply horrible. I’m watching myself lookin through suicide homepages and stuff… to find a way to end this all quickly and peaceful. I know it’s not the right way and I’ve already been there before. I thought I was stronger. I thought I was a better person. I thought I have learned throughout my last period of therapy. I thought I could handle everything and get this together by myself. Or with the one that got away. But as you see, he’s gone… I mean he is here but he doesn’t love me the way I’m needing it anylonger. And I can not be mad at him because I do not even love myself. I’m thinking about quitting school because I can’t stand people. I have huge anxiety and social phobia.. I just want to stay in bed all day. Without sunlight, without food, no talking. Just crying. Because I have lost him. Because I am not able to be a part of society. Because I am a huge failure. I hate this. I hate me. I hate him for being the love of my life and that he let’s me down although he preached the opposite.
Good night everyone.
this just came yesterday and I’ve waited for sooo long.. Finally the wait is over ;)
And now I’m back on track! Wohoooow I love to run or to hit the treadmill - and with this little gadget it’s becoming more fun!
I’m about to go tanning and after that I have to try out my new red wig. It came yesterday, too… So I’m into make uuup… And healthy cooking! I’ll post my meal later on.
And by the way, I’m doin better mentally :)
Oh my god, yesterday I had one of the worst breakdowns in years! It was horrible, I’ve cried for hours…
It reminded me of my depression which I had from 2008 till early 2011… I had therapy but I think that just helped for the moment and not really for my future.
My therapist said that there is no way for me to become mentally healthy and that I have to struggle with periods of depression my whole life… And now I feel it and I hate it and I don’t know why I’m soooo deeply down these days.
Well… Basically that’s the whole story. I have to focus on my mind and soul… Because I’m really really really sad. Every minute. It’s a pain in the ass.
But I have my tumblr and u guys!
Be strong and keep up the good work! I need some time for myself.
(Btw: Appointment for a haircut and new color on tuesday ;) )
Love is fucking stupid - posted by Halden in 2009.
“First Corinthians 13 is one of the most famous of oft-quoted scriptures in existence. How often have all of us found ourselves at a wedding in which the folks getting married may not even be Christians in any sense in which this Scripture is movingly quoted? It’s everywhere. First Corinthians 13 is ubiquitous. Arguably, the apostle Paul never penned anything more marketable.
But seriously, has anyone ever stopped to examine this particular little Scriptural sonnet, let alone think about it? Seriously, who on earth do you know that is like this?
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
What is ironic is that just about anyone that I can think of that would match up to this description is any significant sense is really fucking boring, annoying, and dumb. Seriously, who do we know who “bears all things” or for goodness sake, who on earth “believes all things”? “Endures all things?” Please. Anyone who trusts so easily, who endures without flinching, who remains hopeful in face of hurt and betrayal is, quite literally, a moron. I mean, who on earth would actually thing think that loving means literally bearing anything that comes to you as a consequence of your love? The fact is that we all have limits that we’re not going to cross when it comes to loving others. There is some stuff that we just won’t bear. That’s how it is. If we try to deny this we are liars.
And yet, according to Paul, love, the love that defines who God is bears all things. How have we turned this into the kind of sentimental message that it now is in our popular romantic consciousness? How has the impossible task of bearing any and all hurts, wrongs, and terrors from another person come to mean nothing more than wedding day sentimentality?
Regardless of how this passage of Scripture has become coopted in this way, what is important is clear. If we take 1 Corinthians 13 seriously as a description of the kind of love that defines God and to which we are called as followers of Jesus, we have to realize that this love is fucking deadly. I don’t just mean some heroic notion that if we actually live like this the evil bad guys will want to try to kill us for being so loving. What seems clear to me is that if we love like this, we are going to wear the fuck out. We are going to be used up, depleted, empty, pathetic, gullible, dumb. If we actually believed in loving people according to this Pauline description we would die. Not because people would regard us as some sort of danger, but simply because we would be pathetic, losers, fools, awkward and unattractive imbeciles.
Who besides an imbecile would live a life that bears all things, that believes all things, that hopes all things, endures all things? It is completely unreasonable. It is completely stupid in its excessive irresponsibility. Only dysfunctional idiots endure all things.
Love, understood in this sense is the least attractive thing we can imagine. Love is fucking stupid. Love will kill you. And not in a heroic, self-validating sort of way. Love will kill you by rendering you pathetic, naive, and stupid. To love according to this Scriptural definition will inevitably result in the crucifixion of any successful and attractive mode of existence. The love that the gospel invites us into is one that does nothing less than reduce us to nothing. The gospel makes us pathetic, lonely, manipulable, vulnerable, empty.
In this is love, that we become pathetic nothings. Forlorn, forsaken, foolish, empty, and pathetic. Only so do we live. In any sense whatsoever. According to the gospel, the pathetic life of love is the only truth, the only way, and the only life.”
I just watched ‘My Week with Marilyn’. Absolutely stunning. I’m obsessed in some ways, I have books and lots of posters and paintings and pictures of her.
You have to know.. She represents exactly what I am. Everybody thinks I have a strong personality, that I am a tough girl.. And that I’m dumb in a kind of way. Just because I’m blonde and wearing red lips.. I’m naive and stuff.
But I’m smart in an emphatic way. I’m sensitive and vulnerable. I’m shy and full of self-doubts. And I always fell in love with the wrong ones who break my heart and let me down.
I’d said it when I was age 12 and I still say it with age 23… I’ll die young and broken hearted. Most likely through a suicidal act… Or the brother of the American President will kill me in a hotel suite with prescripted drugs haha.. We’ll see.